Relationship Advice #2

"Above all, do not be selfish! Generate a spirit of selflessness and generosity. Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven."
~Elder Russell M. Nelson, "Nurturing Marriage," Ensign, May 2006

Relationship Advice #3

I've fallen behind, but I'm determined to finish.

Once at a church meeting Tammy Thomas said,

"Reach out and love instead of judge."

Or in the words of a story found in Chicken Soup for the Soul,

"Like people first, ask questions later. See if the light you shine on others isn't reflected back on you an hundred fold."

Some of my biggest regrets are the times I've judged someone too harshly and too quickly.

Relationship Advice #4

And now I'll share some of my favorite advice for relationships among friends.

Be generous when inviting others.

All my life I feel like I've been blessed with great friends. They've added so much happiness to my life, and despite my umm--what's the word--lack of keeping in touch, I really do think that a friend worth having is a friend for life.

But even with the greatest friends, I--on occasion--have felt left out. Don't we all?

We can all remember a time in elementary or middle school when someone was passing out invitations to a birthday party and everyone got invited. Except you. Remember feeling totally rejected? I don't think we've changed all that much. Maybe we're more mature and handle it better, but we still feel left out, don't we?

At a training for the leadership of the BYU-Idaho Activities Program I realized this (At the time I was applying it to activities at BYU-Idaho, but it's totally applicable in every day life.):

Even if I know without a doubt that someone can't come to an activity I plan, I'm still going to extend the invite. (Doesn't it make you feel good to know that someone thought of you, even if you can't make it?) And if there's any reasonable way I can invite more people, I'm going to. I'd rather have a packed apartment then for someone to feel left out. Of course there are limits, and I'm sure I've made people feel left out, but it's never intentional--promise!

This advice could especially be applied to friends of other faiths. A lot of times I'm hestitant to invite friends to my church's activities because I don't want to come off as pushy. When really, if a friend invited me to her church, I'd be touched at her thoughtfulness.

Just some food for thought.

Relationship Advice #5

Moving on to relationship advice for families...


Families should always have something to look forward to.

My friend, Robyn directed me to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families audio-book, and in it Stephen R. Covey suggests that families should always be looking forward to something, whether it's a holiday, birthday, special weekend—whatever. The anticipation of a celebration is as exciting as the actual celebration, he thinks.

He (and Robyn) feel that it's important for kids to get involved with the planning of special occasions and in Robyn's words "have a voice".

Relationship Advice #6

Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader or pick up on your hint dropping. If you want something, just say so.

This advice comes from the audio book, For All Eternity by Dr. John L. Lund. (I have a copy if anyone wants to borrow it.)

Dr. Lund shares that so often we think that if our spouse really loved us, he or she would be able to just know how to find the perfect gift or plan the perfect date for us. For some reason, we mistakenly think that if we have to ask for something, it doesn't mean as much. In reality, we need to mean what we say and say what we mean. In other words, we need to hold each other 100% accountable for our words.

Here's a couple totally hypothetical examples:

#1

Matt: "Erin, do you care if I go to Fight Night*?"

Me: "No."

When Matt comes home at 1:00 a.m with a rub burn on his nose and has to get up at 5:00 a.m., I can't be upset with him.

#2

Matt: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Me: "A brown coat with a furry hood from Burlington Coat Factory. Do you want me to buy it so I make sure it's the right one?"

Matt: "Yes please. I'll go with you."

*Fight Night: Where a bunch of guys get together and watch the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). Then they wrestle around and fight each other. It's manly. Very manly...

Relationship Advice #7

This advice comes from Matt.

Pick your battles. Don't let the little stuff bug you.

And

Take care when using the words "always" and "never".

For example, when you're having a heated debate don't say, "Matt you never blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Or something like that. Always and never, I've learned, are two words that are usually too extreme.

I never make those mistakes. ;)

Relationship Advice #8

Keep your qualms about your spouse, with your spouse. In other words, don't speak ill of the one you love to other people.

Brother Faye, one of the advisors of the BYU-Idaho Activities Program shared this advice with me not long after Matt and I married.

He said that his wife regularly had girls' nights with friends and often the conversation would lead to their husbands. Many of the wives would diss their husbands (usually in joking, but you know they really meant what they said). Anyway, Brother Faye said that even if his wife was boiling mad at him, he knew without a doubt that she wouldn't speak badly about him to her friends.

Ultimately, he taught me that we should validate our spouse and always stick up for him or her.

Good advice, if I do say so myself.

Relationship Advice #9

Simplify your wants.

"One of my greatest blessings is having a wife whose wants are so simple," said my BYU-Idaho advisor, Sean Tippetts, a few months after Matt and I married. "The things she asks for aren't extravagant, and she's easy to please."

"Have simple wants and be content with small things," he continued. "Enjoy basic meals, clothes, furniture—everything. And you'll find a lot of happiness in life."

I thought it odd that he considered one of his greatest blessings the fact that his wife's wish list was short. But as time has passed and I've thought about that conversation, I think he's right. Wouldn't we all be happier if we found contentment with what we had?

Top Ten Best "Love" Advice

As we head into the month of love, I'm reminded of the best relationship advice I've received.

So, for the next couple of weeks I'll be posting the top ten (in no particular order). Marriage, family, dating, friendships--I'll cover it all. You can thank me later for sharing!

I don't claim to always follow any of this advice--quite often I fail miserably--but I truly respect those that have shared these insights with me, and their words have made a difference in my life.

Join in the fun. Please leave me a comment about some of the best advice you've been given. Who knows, maybe it'll make it into the top ten.

Here we go.

#10

DON'T NAG YOUR HUSBAND.

To do his home teaching.

Or to work out.

Or to pick up his socks.

Even if it drives you crazy.

And you think you're helping him become a better person.

Betty Jo Matthews, one of my church leaders when I was a youth, shared this advice once in a lesson. I'll never forget how much she emphasized, "DON'T NAG. EVER."

When I master this one I'll let you know.

P.S. Don't hold your breath.